So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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