why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
