then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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