when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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