the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
