Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
