I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
