i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
