so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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