here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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