I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
