I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
