I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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