I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
