On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
