I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
