I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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