great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
