Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
