OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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