I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
