Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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