Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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