I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
