please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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