Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
