I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just pee around me
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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