Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
