Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
