just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
and she was petting her beer can
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
