so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize