There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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