This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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