So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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