It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
