hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
