i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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