Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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