Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
