I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Screwed.edu
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
