I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
