did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
