I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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