you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
