That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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