I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
