Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Randomize
