I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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