Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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