She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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