I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
