so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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