Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
