she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
