I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
