just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize