I cannot find my penis.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
