the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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