I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
