If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
