New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
