Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
