She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
