So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
