can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
