ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I woke up under a house in Key West
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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